If
by Sgt. Cheerleader
Summary: After Mordecai sinks into a depression after a messy break-up with Margaret, Rigby and Muscle-Man take matters into their own hands. Rated T for referenced drug use.


If anybody in the house had to hear that pathetically self-defeating Pearl Jam song one more time, they would go insane.

Poor Mordecai had struck out again in the game of love, and it looked like it was over for good for the blue jay's chances of a fulfilling relationship with his coffee shop crush, the robin Margaret. He had discovered his partner and his former enemy Jeremy in an intimate position, and the brutal break-up had depressed him so badly that he locked himself in his room, only opening the door for Pops to graciously give him his ordered Chinese takeout. Just as quickly as the door was opened, it was slammed in the lolliman's face. The added salt to the wound was his coworkers' seemingly perfect love lives; Muscle Man had been going steady with Starla for a long time and Rigby was enjoying the rewards of giving Eileen a chance.

Of course, not being one to enjoy his best friends suffering, the raccoon initiated a plan with help from the troll.

The song had thankfully reached it's end, and if they didn't act soon it would start right back up again. Positioned outside his bedroom door, the workers prepared themselves.

"Thanks for your help Muscle Man. I know this is the last thing you would wanna do." said Rigby.

"Don't mention it bro. Besides, I'm tired of hearing that stupid song."

"OK, let's do this." said the raccoon.

The two raised their fists and knocked on the door with slight vigor, and spoke in unison. "MORDECAI! OPEN UP!"

They weren't expecting two things: the first was how quickly the blue jay had responded, and the second was how AWFUL his condition was. Sunken eyes with dark bags, wild, unruly feathers that hadn't been trimmed or shaved in weeks, and a pungent mix of greasy Chinese chicken and marijuana emanated from him. Simply put, he looked like a total disaster, and the two others tried to hide their off-put reaction. His voice sounded exactly like he looked; exhausted and defeated.

"What do you want?"

The troll was the first to speak. "Whoa... no offense bro, but you look like total trash."

Mordecai didn't react to the insult. In fact, his facial expression didn't change at all. "Great. At least I look exactly how I feel."

Rigby looked at Muscle Man. "Ah geez... it's worse than I thought," and he turned to look at his long time friend. "We miss you, buddy. Even Benson's been asking about you."

Mordecai let out a sarcastic laugh. "Heh. Yeah right. He probably just wants to fire me for missing all these days. He can bite me."

"OK, why don't you come out of there and hang out with us for a change? It must be depressing sitting in that dark room all day." Continued Rigby.

"Yeah bro, do you really wanna put us through Eddie Vedder whining for the hundredth time? Cause trust me, we're getting tired of it."

Mordecai looked at the two of them and sighed. He was getting tired of isolating himself, and he needed some company. "...fine." He conceded. He turned around to turn off the stereo, but not before Muscle Man poked his head in for one last remark.

"And bring some of that bud, bro. Don't be a hog. Meet us in my trailer in fifteen minutes."

* * *

The sounds of Pink Floyd's _Any Colour You Like_ filled the air as a blunt was being passed around by the four boys. High Five Ghost had showed up, and he wouldn't shut up about his recent great date with Celia, much to Mordecai's chagrin.

"I'm telling you guys-" the specter paused to take a hit "-I think I've found my dream girl. She's so awesome..." his goofy grin afterwards set Mordecai over the edge as the bird snatched the pot from the ghost.

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Why does everybody have this perfect relationship but me? Everyone's so happy and loved and here I am, by myself. What am I doing wrong? Is there something fundamentally flawed about me? Am I female kryptonite or something?"

Rigby and Muscle Man looked at each other as Mordecai angrily took a drag. The raccoon chose to speak up.

"Actually Mordo, that's what we wanted to talk about."

"Yeah, we have a proposition for you. Rigby and I are going on a double date this Friday, and we want to take you with us." Muscle Man offered.

If looks could kill, Mordecai's glare would have incapacitated them on the spot. "I would literally rather be anywhere else on Earth than seeing all of you sap it up. That sounds like a terrible idea to me."

Taking the dutchie, Rigby took a puff before answering. "I know it sounds dumb Mordecai, but can you trust us? Can you trust me?"

Mordecai folded his arms and stared at the ceiling of the trailer which was adorned with sparking Christmas lights. Once again, he conceded. "Whatever dude. Just don't get mad when I ditch you when I get sick of being the 5th wheel."

Rigby and Muscle Man gave each other knowing looks. Muscle Man took his turn before deciding to offer some advice. "Cool. Just remember to shave bro, you look like a 70s porn star bush come to life with all that excess going on."

Rigby and High Fives cracked up, and Mordecai couldn't help but crack a smile. He turned to the giggling ghost. "Sorry for freaking out on you man. That wasn't cool."

"Ah no worries man, we're cool." Said the specter as he was mesmerized by the ceiling lights.

* * *

Mordecai felt as though he were fifteen pounds lighter with a proper haircut and manscaping session. He also brushed his teeth for the first time in... well, longer than he would have liked to admit. He stepped out of the shower feeling like a new person.

"How does the tux look? Good? Is the bow tie stupid? Asked Rigby as Muscle Man inspected him, both dressed in jet black trim for their special night with the ladies. "You look good bro. You're gonna kill it tonight. No worries."

They both turned to see the restored blue jay sauntering down the stairs.

"Hey hey, looking good bro!" Said Rigby as he met his friend at the landing with a textbook bro hug.

"Alright dudes, Pops let us borrow Carmenita for the night, so let's get a move on!"

The two taken men sat in the front and Mordecai stepped in the back by himself. After a bit of silence, he inquired about his situation.

"So... what exactly am I going to do while you guys are making moves?"

"Don't worry bro, you'll see." said Muscle Man with a smirk on his face.

"I don't like the sound of that..." announced Mordecai nervously, anxiety brewing in his stomach.

They came to a stop somewhere within the city. It was a bunch of apartment buildings nestled together, interrupted by an ice skating rink in the middle. Carmenita came to a stop right in front of the entrance.

"Alright Mordo, this is your stop. Give Rigby a call and he'll come pick you up tomorrow."

Mordecai had stepped out when he finally registered the final word in his head. "Wait, tomorrow? What the heck are you guys talki-" his protests were ignored as Carmenita squealed off to the night. He sighed angrily as the read the neon sign of the rink and walked in, unsure of what to expect.

* * *

CJ loved ice skating alone. Sometimes, when she was feeling stressed, or upset, or just cause she felt like it, she would come to the rink and put on a mixed CD that had her unique mix of all her favorite songs and skate to it. Gerry Rafferty's _Right Down the Line_ was blaring through the speakers as she sailed expertly around the rink, doing little twists and turns and an occasional jump. She had been doing this for a long time, ever since her dad taught her how as a little girl. It was near and dear to her heart, a constant and sure escape from her worries. Turning around to skate another lap, she noticed the lanky boy standing and watching. She moved to the area of the rink where Mordecai was positioned above.

"Sup, dork?" she said, a smile on her face, happy to see her old friend and flame again.

Mordecai stood there awkwardly. "Uh... hey." he said. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

"Yeah, but that's no biggie. Come down here and skate with me!" she said, producing a set of keys. "Use these to get into the shoe room."

"Oh no, that's fine, I'll just watch!" Mordecai really didn't feel like jumping into another uncomfortable situation, having had more than his fill, but the cloud girl had other plans.

"Come on!" Not waiting for an answer, she tossed the keys up to him, making a loud jangle as they landed near his feet.

"You're doing this just to humiliate me. You know I'm not good at it." Mordecai protested, bending down to pick them up.

She gave him a look. "Come on!" she said again, this time a little bit more gentle, adding a little gesture.

For what seemed like the millionth time that week, Mordecai conceded. "UGH... fiiiiiiiiine."

* * *

His steps were strange and miscalculated as he tried not to stumble and break his ankles. The ice skates were bulky and impractical, and he tried not to imagine his inevitable ineptitude on the actual ice. He sauntered his way down to the entrance of the rink, holding on to the plastic glass panes for security. CJ confidently moved up to him and stopped. "Very nice, my man. You look like a true natural." A playful laugh escaped her lips.

"It's been awhile. I'm trying not to shatter every bone in my lower body."

He gingerly touched the ice with the metal blade of his skate.

"What are you waiting for, slowpoke? Let's go already!"

"Whoa, wait a sec- AAGH" Mordecai was yanked onto the ice with no time to prepare, and it showed as he waved his arms trying to balance himself. He made it a maximum distance before stumbling clumsily and bringing down CJ with him, she shouted with him as he landed hard on his hip with the girl adding extra weight, earning a groan of pain from the blue jay. "I had a feeling I was gonna break something," he mumbled. CJ got off of him, and he rolled to his back, not getting up again for a while after that disaster.

"Comfy?" she asked, crossing her arms.

"Oh yeah, this is true five star living. You should try it sometime."

"I think I'll take you up on that offer." she sat down and laid down next to him, staring at the fluorescent bulbs on the ceiling of the facility.

"So why don't you go ahead and tell me what's bugging you? You look pretty bummed, homie." CJ loved to play the role of the listener, and Mordecai didn't fight it. In fact, he was secretly hoping that she would say something, just so he could vent his frustrations to someone other than a dude at the park.

"It's kinda funny. You think you're life is finally where it needs to be, everything is perfect, and you couldn't be happier. Then you discover your girlfriend is cheating on you, and... well, things get pretty complicated." He sighed as he folded his hands over his stomach.

"Ouch. Sounds like someone messed up pretty bad."

"Yeah, you could say that again. And the worst thing about it? It was on our anniversary. In our bed. I had the cake and flowers in my hands and everything. I wanted it to be perfect, and she had to go and ruin it by fucking Jeremy."

CJ didn't say anything. Mordecai sighed again, his expression changing from angry to defeated, closing his eyes.

"I spent my entire life playing it safe, just to avoid being exactly where I am right now."

Again, she remained silent. Not another word was said for a while, the song from her mixed CD coming to an end. She debated whether or not to say something, but quickly settled on the latter. "Well, you want my opinion, Mordecai?"

He opened his eyes and tilted his head over, waiting for her to continue. "I think that you're out of a failed relationship, away from an unfaithful spouse, in an ice skating rink away from your job, listening to an adult contemporary classic," they laughed and made eye contact, and neither of them wanted to fight it, "...I think that you should maybe, instead of being so bummed about every big and little horrible thing happening to you, you should focus on everything that's really cool," she finished, with a sincere smile. "After all, you're here with me."

Not breaking their shared gaze, she stuck out a hand into the space between them. Mordecai hesitated for a moment, but then, discovering how comfortable he was with the idea of holding CJ's hand again, he quickly stuck out his wing, and they griped each others hands. Mordecai felt a smile grow over his face. Maybe things weren't going to be so bad after all.

A new song started up, interrupting their moment, providing them with a new topic. A metronome tuning noise blared over the speaker, and the slacker instantly knew what it was. "Oh my God, I love the Chili Peppers!" A toothy grin covered his face, his excitement contagious, making CJ giggle and agree. The two resumed their gaze at the ceiling lights, hearing the sweeping, romantic tones of the guitar and the bass harmonize a pleasant melody, and a crooning voice joined in, adding on top a perfect layer of velvet wrap to the instruments.

 _And if I had a clue, I'd know exactly what to do_

 _If I were the wiser of the two_

 _And if I saw it all so clear, I'd ride it down and bend your ear_

 _If I were the clearer of the two_

 _We could take a walk into the canyons of Fifth Avenue_

 _Sing and dance, just to name a few_

 _All I do..._

 _All I do..._

CJ squeezed Mordecai's hand, getting his attention once more. "Just remember that anything can happen," She positioned her face right in front of his, their foreheads touching.

"Anything happens all the time."

Mordecai knew what was going to happen, and he didn't mind one bit. Their lips made contact, a sincere and gentle kiss. They continued their loving activities as the voice began to croon once more.

 _And if I heard the angels sing, I'd sing it back to you and bring_

 _Sounds of Heaven, ringing just for you_

 _And if I saw the sun fall down, I'd pick it up and make a crown_

 _One that was a perfect fit for you_

 _We could take a walk in the apple orchard by the school_

 _We could make a little residue_

 _We could find a place to stay, a secret little hide-away_

 _Spend a little time inside of you_

 _All I do..._

 _All I do..._

 _All eyes, all eyes, all eyes on you..._

 _All I do..._

 _All I do..._

 _All I do..._

 _All I do..._

They both removed the skates from their feet and journeyed back to the shoe room, and exited the rink, but not before CJ remembered to shut down the lights and retrieve her CD from the audio system. He walked her back to her car.

"Well, I guess this is where I say good night." Mordecai said, ready for one of the hardest weeks of his life to be over.

"Haha, yeah... I guess so." It was CJ's turn to be nervous as she rubbed the back of her neck.

"It was nice. Hanging with you again. I really missed that," Mordecai admitted, a smile on his face. "To be completely honest... I missed us." He wasn't nervous around her. Being able to say things like that without feeling dread in his stomach was one of the things he loved most about her.

"Me too." she replied, nodding, also smiling.

A silence between the two. The entire town was dark and abandoned, only illuminated by street lights.

"Hey, I've got an idea," CJ said, adding a certain mischievous feeling to her smile. "How about you come stay with me for tonight?"

"WHOA... uh, really?" Mordecai's cheeks flushed. Just like that, the roles were reversed and Mordecai was the nervous one again. She couldn't help but find his reaction adorable, and yet, enticing. "Do... do you think I should?" he asked, not really sure if he was asking her or himself.

She turned around, smiling coyly as she peeked over her shoulder, opening her car door and stepping inside. Mordecai stood there, processing the interaction that just happened when he heard her car starting. Making his decision, he jogged around to the passenger side door, and stepped inside.

* * *

Rigby was jolted awake by his cell phone ringing. Groaning and rubbing the morning dew from his eyes, he flipped it opened and clicked the button. "Hello?"

"Hey man, come pick me up."

It took Rigby a moment before he realized who was talking, which made him wake up a little bit. "Oh hey bro, how did it go?"

"It was great. I can't thank you and Muscle Man enough. I owe you guys one, big time."

"That's good to hear. I'll be there in fifteen. Later bro."

"Later."

Setting his cell phone down, he looked over at Eileen, who was completely out of commission after a fun night with her boyfriend. Smiling from part cockiness and part love, he got up out of bed, got out a notepad and pen from the nightstand drawer, scribbled a little message on it, and walked around to her bedside table and slapped it on.

 _ **Hey babe, last night was so awesome. I'm borrowing your car and picking up Mordecai from CJ's. Don't worry, I'll fill it up with gas, I won't forget. I'll be right back and we can finish watching One Punch Man. Love ya! - R**_


End file.
